Dog Patch Astrology

by Billy Ray Billybob

Folks, I know you’ve heard of Western, Eastern, Chinese, Mayan, Egyptian, Tibetan, Native American, and several other types of astrology. Down here in the patch we’ve been a little isolated from all of this stuff. Most people don’t get it that we’ve invented our own system, which works just fine for us down here. We thought we’d share it with you. Hey, you may think it’s a little off, but hey, so what.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

 

Tough on the outside, tender on the inside, Okras have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of
his influence everywhere. You can seem like a real sonofabitch. When you let people in, they love you. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make
something of himself if he is motivated, but needs lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful cause they may surprise you. They can go and erupt like
Mt. St. Helens. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

MOON PIE (Feb 20 – Mar 19)

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key
words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in
the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are
happy. As they say in Mexico, full belly, happy heart!” This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

BOLL WEEVIL (Mar 21 – April 20)

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You ain’t satisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.


POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you
become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is
probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work fine for you. You are a
rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night
person and mind your own business, whatever that may be.

 

COLLARDS (May 22 – June 21)

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in "the melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.
Collards make good social workers, announcers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from
Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CRAWFISH (June 22 – July 23)

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around
the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to
the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers
may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to
understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer
the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all
else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. You’d just make a amess.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If
you can go somewhere where they have all these things, you have died and gone to heaven. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always
pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well
with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit
next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon
Pies...and never take YES for a true answer.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some
roots, shoots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned
with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another
somewhat kinky mating possibility.